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Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
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3:08 am - random thoughts.
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I feel like I'm nearing an all-time low. I thought I was there a few months ago. I would have a few days of good, a few days of bad, but each time it gets bad it is progressively worse than the previous. I don't know what's wrong with me. I look back and wonder...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME!?
I remember when I was the wild and crazy all over the place Adam, pretty much unpredictable. Now...well I can be the same Adam...when I'm DRINKING. I remember when getting drunk was a once a week thing and now its pretty much a daily thing, I worry MYSELF to death. I love how I'll joke with my friends "OH FUCK i haven't drank since last night, lets go out." It's funny joking about being an alcoholic...until you realize its probably true. Yeah there are much worse than me, and i CAN go without drinking, but I feel like I lost who I am and I only gain it back when I have a couple drinks in me. I'm disgusted by this.
I hate the fact that I still smoke. I hate the fact that I live in an environment where it is totally normal to be a smoker. I hate it I fucking fucking hate it.
I'm lazy as hell lately, I lack motivation for anything, I am doing horrible in school. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've realized these issues over and over again and they plague me daily, but I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it. I feel like I need to go into hibernation, totally excommunicate myself from the world. I wish I could take a month off of life so I could find myself and get back to where I used to be.
Tomorrow I have an appointment for a tattoo and I am so fucking excited. I pray that getting something new that I really really want will help push me into the right mindset.
It makes me want to cry my eyes out thinking that the man I am now...isn't what I was supposed to be. I am the typical case of the boy who went down the wrong tracks after High School. I can't even believe it. For the past 4 years I have been nothing but a failure. I met all the wrong people, did all the wrong things. I mean WTF WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN JAIL 2 TIMES BEFORE I TURNED 21!! Honestly now. I am in idiot.
I only have one option now. I NEED to change, and change immediately. If I don't start now, I can't even see myself in one fucking piece in a year. Its getting serious, and I'm just pushing everthing further and further away instead of confronting them.
I need help...Badly...
current mood:  depressed
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| Monday, November 27th, 2006
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12:53 am
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Cesc, jak sie masz????
haha i cannot get the polish words out of my head thanks to last night! It was uber fun, went to White Star with Karoline and her crew. I spent too much money. I kept on drinking...and drinking...and drinking some more. I didn't even get out of my bed until 3, then went to work. That was eventful, I was a foodrunner and I immediately was brought into hell the second I clocked in. I made really good money though so I am not going to really complain. I sat there and chatted with Roxie, and then Kelly got caught, had a few decent conversations.
Tomorrow I have to wake up, get my oil changed, then go to Polish class. I picked up a shift tomorrow night, I decided...why not. I am not positive if I have a test in Political Science on Tuesday or on Thursday so maybe I will be a good boy and study tomorrow night just in case. I really need to pick up my grade in Poli Sci, its just SO BORING, I cannot take it.
On Thanksgiving, my aunt told me that I am going to Las Vegas with her and my sisters for my 21st birthday! FUCK YES! We are going the 2nd week after I turn 21, and she is paying for everything. How fucking excited am I dude seriously...wallah bro.
I decided I need work on my self-motivation skills more. I have a hard time getting up for class just because I can almost always find some reason as to why I can afford not to go.
Speaking of affording things, I can't afford life anymore. If I go out one night, I will probably spend about 80 dollers on booze, entrence fee's if I can't get in for free..and so on. That combined with my bills is not a good combination. I don't know how the fuck I afforded to go out like 3 or 4 times a week 2 years ago! WTF its loco.
I want to make good money tomorrow so I can afford to go out and have as much fun as I did last night though! It was so crazy and fun. Its always a good time at the polska bar. Hopefully I will prove to my father or mother that I can afford the monthly payments and insurance on a new car soon because I really want to get the car right around christmas, a little gift for myself, that would be nice.
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| Sunday, November 19th, 2006
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4:33 am - Hey
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I'm back, I decided I need to begin jotting my thoughts back down on this thing like I used to RELIGIOUSLY.
Lately things have been pretty rough for me i'm not gonna lie! I have been in this sort of mental shell where I have not been growing i'm just making the same stupid mistakes and getting into trouble as usual lol. I drink a lot, but I think my polishness is just beginning to catch up with me. I don't smoke as much, and I hate drugs...so I guess those are two positive things.
My money situation is just absolutely rediculous. I cannot even think about it, and to top it off I charged a brand new digital camera yesturday...but its so pimp I don't even care. AND THEN i get pulled over and I have a lovely speeding ticket to pay off....glorious.
I'm still as homophobic as ever and its bugging me. What the fuck happened to make me so like...anti...being myself. I hate going to gay bars. I cannot stand being around all the drugs and the whores and the grossness anymore I am seriously disgusted by it now. What happened? What went wrong? What caused me to be like this? I remember when I used to go out ALL the time and always had a blast...now I would prefer going to fucking...White Star or something instead.
I know for a fact I have grown to be much more of a "chill" individual. I just like to have some drinks, talk, chill...then once we're all nice and drunk go and make an ass out of myself at some club lol, but it always starts off just chilling. I love being around all my friends and just kinda of...driving around escaping the world for a bit, thats my drug right there.
Work makes me kinda wanna kill myself sometimes. Like I'm talking...asian style, knife right through my stomach...actually cutting a squate out of my midsection lol Its aweful, its so dead, there's so much fucking SERVER DRAMA BLAAAAAAHHH get a fucking life....oh wait...fridays IS your life...I almost forgot. We had a work meeting at 9 fucking AM today and the whole time I was thinking to myself...ARE YOU JOKING ME?! it was so pointless we learned nothing new, it was boring, we were all hung over.
OH yeah back to my homophobia, i just say it as a reference really , I'm not PHOBIC I'm just annoyed by 90 - 97% of the population. I don't get them, and I chose not to try anymore its just too difficult to understand some actions and such.
At the same time though, I am extremely lonely, I do not even know what to do with myself anymore. I just am not happy being single. I feel that a life alone just seems...like a waste of an existance, I want to share everyday with someone..soo...bad. Nothing would bother me nearly as much as things do now if I just had someone to fill that HUGE void I have. I am very independent yes, I was raised to be, but it doesn't mean that I can't get lonely. I just wish there was someone else with me so I could...share my enjoyment of life with them...that sounds really corny I know forgive me but I think it makes sense
Well I am going to bed I am going to post more tomorrow because I alreayd feel better talking about my issues again and about myr andom FUCKED UP dreams, maybe I'll have one tonight tha ti can wake up at 7 AM to talk about!
PEACE
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| Saturday, July 8th, 2006
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10:38 pm
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i am beautiful
i rule the world
thank you
goodday sirs and mams
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| Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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6:01 pm
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2 TOUGH QUESTIONS
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
candidates.
-candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also
chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
-candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whiskey every evening.
-candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never
cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the
last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
I LOVE IT, okay children.. have a beautiful day
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| Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
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5:57 pm
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I feel like a random update, its been over a month.
I've grown a lot the past few months
I quit smoking...cold turkey...after spending a year smoking a pack and a half a day. I am extremely proud of myself for that. No I'm not trying, I did...I actually did finally.
I dont' really give a fuck about any side effects, I don't care, my health is finally something of importance to me lately I don't know what turned on that lightbulb, it was just a random decision.
I'm never going to love someone until I learn to love myself
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| Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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1:33 pm
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" The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfilment of that hope never entirely removes."
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1:11 pm
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idle hope is probably the biggest evil...and one of my worst atributes...how do you get rid of it though...
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| Sunday, February 12th, 2006
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2:33 pm
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might things be starting to turn around for me??
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| Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
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11:45 pm
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so my car breaks down randomly when kelly and I were in a very good mood. what a downer that was...
then my back felt like someone was stabbing it with a thousand knives...and it still does. I obviously can take the pain...I'm a pincushion...but...wtf
vicodin isn't even working...
i need money, but i have an exam tomorrow i have not studied for yet...oh and i think i need to have my back and my throbbing head looked at...
money over health and education...no thanks...thats another 50 bucks i'll be down...fuckin A I am furious right now...a couple things made the night a lot better but I don't wanna get into that because i need to learn how to be a more private person...
i'm gonna try going to bed...i don't know why i posted this i never use it but i needed to vent on my pain...goodbye
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| Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
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2:06 pm
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"sprinklers shoot out graham cracker dust and graham crackers make things GROW!!"
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11:35 am
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So I chopped my hair off. Its really short I can't spike it. I kinda like it, saves me time in the morning.
Yesturday Kelly and I went to Bocci to get full body massages. It was wonderful oh my lord...Soothing music, oils, candles, and some chick working out 19 years of knots in my back. It was funny though because when she started to feel my back she was like DAMN boy what do you do for a living. I told her I was a server and also a full time student and she was like just STOP for like 2 days. Whatever you are doing, you need to stop, you are 30 years too young to have a back like this. haha I figured it always hurts. I want to see if maybe my mothers insurance will cover a chiropracter appointment.
So I waited until last night to start my mythology study guide, sure I might not get an A but I don't really care. I'm satisfied with being a B student. I realy hate school I'm not gonna lie, so why bother trying seriously sooo much harder for that fucking A when I can naturally get a B without trying at all. As long as I stay above a 3.0 for my GPA I will keep my scholarships.
I've been missing a lot of people lately that I have not seen in a while
1. Laura
2. Jessie
3. Gertrude...Gertie
4. Jessie...and the unborn
5. Lesus
ok thats only 2 people but I haven't seeen them in so many months, i'de miss more people if I felt they actually missed me.
I've been thinking a lot lately, not bitching just thinking. Bitching gets me no where. I always here from everyone, you're gonna find the right guy, he's out there somewhere. You'll meet him when you least expect it and so on and so on. Well when I think back at things, I have never been truely satisfied with my life. I have never been close to another boy before. Like I mean CLOSE with them, they know better than anyone and I the same with them. I feel like its this fucked up void I have in my life that has never been filled.
Now after what...4 years...I have made no progress in filling the same void I had back in January of 2001, I hoped things would be better now. I would never have imagined being MORE unhappy now than when no one even knew I was gay. It seems like I would still be happier if I just lied to myself.
I don't blame anyone but myself, I am just never happy with myself. If I start likeing someone and I dont' sense they like me I just force myself to STOP liking them. I am sick of getting hurt because I let myself take a lot of interest in someone who has no interest in me. It hurts more and more as the months go on and it keeps happening to me. I don't want anymore friends just to "add to the collection" I hate wasting my time with people that will never truely mean much to me. I have great friends that I care for and that definately care for me hardcore, but I need something more.
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| Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
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12:37 pm
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bad things keep happening to me...
maybe its a sign i should just let go...
i feel like i'm destroying myself mentally...
why is it so hard to find some little happy equilibrium in life. that's all i really want.
i despise living here, i really just want to get out of here permanently. here = michigan. but maybe its not this place, maybe its me. who knows, i don't care, i just want fucking solution.
i've been unhappy for so fucking long.
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| Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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10:52 pm
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im in an aweful mood tonight. i can't describe it, everything is just so blah. i don't feel like talking, moving anything. i'm forcing myself to in hopes of finding a cure or something. i dunno i just have a lot of confusing stress going on right now and i'm not a fan at all.
i let things get to me
i'm too analytical
it sucks
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| Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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2:27 am
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I just got done being really down. I don't know what was wrong I just hated life for like 2 hours...I feel better now? lol That was weird. I saw Fun with Dick and Jane tonight. I hated it. It was not that funny at all, some parts were cute and kinda funny, but overall the movie was lame.
The holidays were fun.
I bought a month of tanning. I can't wait until I blend in with the night...lol. I'm drinking red tea right now. It tastes like I'm drinking water that just dripped off of a tastey peice of tree bark lol.
I need to stop being such a chimney, but I actually love smoking. I just love it. Thats so bad for you but so good at the same time.
I ran 3 miles today and I felt uber proud of myself for getting off my lazy ass and running. I still work out everyday but like...a few months ago I ran insane amounts, I just got lazy.
my hair is so fried...no dying for 2 months. This time for real because its actually falling out at the cuticle lol
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| Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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5:30 pm
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happy new years...
2006 will be a good year, i will make it so
to start it off...I am my NATURAL hair color...for the firt time in about 5 years...
good job adam...but I'm sure it will be black in a week
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| Monday, December 26th, 2005
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11:56 pm
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yaaay discover approved my card :-)
now i can actually pay off my credit card when they transfer my balance. excited I am
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| Saturday, December 24th, 2005
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3:16 am
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I hate power naps...honestly.
Well mad props to Adam for having his first SOBER night since Monday...haha. Tuesday I went to Canada with my awesome cousin Julie and 3 of her fuckin pimp ass friends. Wed me and my little sidekick went to Goldcoast, and I had a few...many drinks there. Last night was Menjo's. I didn't buy anything but people kept giving me sips and then I ended up just taking drinks from people lol, I am sorry.
After work tonight, I went ahead and took a lil power nap. I woke up at 2 and I seriously feel like I just ODed on adderoll or something. I'm kinda mad about that because I would not be able to sleep even if I really wanted to. To top that off I really want some antipasta salad...hardcore...I'm fucking HUNGRY.
My mothers in Toronto, she left this morning...but she will be back tomorrow afternoonish. Blah I like when she isn't home, I can actually enjoy myself and not have to be quite as shit after 9 when she goes to bed. I swear that bitch cannot concentrate for shit because it'll be like 11 and if I just go into the bathroom to brush my teeth she'll be like "CAN'T YOU ALL JUST USE THE OTHER BATHROOM! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"
whoa menopause...seriously
So Christmas really doesn't mean much to me anymore, its kind of sad. I love the family gatherings of course, but I'm really over eating christmas food. 19 years of the same shit, I don't look forward to the food, I didn't even eat on Thanksgiving. Presents are so selfish, I often feel guilty recieving them. Especially from people I have not seen in forever! I'm athiest. I do not believe in god, the birth of Jesus, whatever. I mean I guess Christmas does not have as much meaning for me, its a pretty selfish holiday. I mean I'm not gonna lie, besides seeing a few of my aunt which I ADORE and my cousin Julie of course, I really am hardcore just looking for all those envelopes with money I can put into my school books fund. I'm sorry, I'm just being honest.
I miss when we had our huge christmas tree, and my gifts were something other than money. Something my mom or dad really spent time thinking about. Now the christmas tree is like as and skinny as me because my mom thinks the big ones are "tacky" ? Thats what christmas was all about to me...the feeling when you walk into your house all decorated, I miss it :-(
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| Monday, December 19th, 2005
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9:45 pm
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I have this amazingly huge opportunity to go to Poland over spring break.
karoline just sprung it up on me and i want to go sooooo sooooo bad.
staying in her parents nice nice apartment they have there, well they have like 4 but we'll be in the nicest one i guess, an awesome ass party scene, legal drinking, clubs serving until 6 AM, REAL TECHNO MUSIC, visiting old old huge castles, visiting my roots lol well 50% of them. GOING TO EUROPE for the first time.
I don't know if I could possibly pass this up.
I have to give an OFFICIAL yes or no in less than 2 weeks...yikes...
definately definately gonna pull for a yes as of right now
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2:55 am
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wow so work was insane. I decided to go into smoking because...its a really hard section that i would be able to work in and that means more money and better sections ALL the time.
I made $280!! my goal was 200, I was soooo happy. thanks of course to having a party of 20 employees because beth turned 21...
it was insane tho I had so many tables and everyone was getting drunk, thanks to me...i guess i served a little too much alcohol but thats ok they weren't driving :-)
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